01 Oct The Phoenix
It’s been a while since I’ve posted, so let me explain. We’ve had more than six months of consistent peace. I have to be honest. For the majority of that time, I braced myself preparing for the worse. But, after going through my own skepticism and processing my grief over the past few years, I believe we are just in our peaceful season.
When friends inquire about Sahleah, I can authentically say that she is doing great. I found myself trying to capture and control this feeling-our new reality. Longing for it to be our new norm, I kept thinking of how we could replicate this, if ever we needed to find this moment again at a future date.
What was it that shifted our lives from uncertainty and pain to light-hardheartedness and joy? Was it answered prayers? Her maturation as a teen? The fruits from her interventions?
Maybe a combination of it all including the intangibles. Towards the later part of the six months, I stopped trying to define it or possess it and started living and breathing.
She has a strengthened understanding of who she is. She has goals and looks forward to her future. Just like in Greek mythology where the Phoenix obtains new life and arises from the ashes, so has Sahleah. And, by virtue of her, so have I.
When I asked for her perspective on what changed, this is what she said.
“Depression is like quicksand. You start to get stressed and slip further and further into madness with seemingly no hope of escape. It’s only when you stop personalizing things, recognize you have problems and know that you’ll never be cured completely that you can crawl back out. As nihilistic as it seems, it’s the truth. After you learn that, you’re on the path to getting better and you stop being hard on yourself. You’re your own worst critic after all. You can still feel guilt and accept the consequences but you don’t get stuck like you used to. You begin to accept yourself for who you are and forget anyone else that tells you who you should be and how you should feel. It’s the musts and must nots that cause this issue in the first place. In short, be your own you. Flaws and all.”
Her perceptiveness gave me another reason to lean into our peaceful season.